Twins and trauma

There is absolutely no getting around birth trauma. The body remembers it for months and months and probably years. Especially when they cut you open and then sew you back up and the body has to heal from surgery on top of carrying babies around and healing from birth.

And yes, the uterus still undergoes all the same things with C-Section as with vaginal birth. Except you aren’t allowed to carry more than 10 pounds at a time and your nerves are on fire from being cut, and you can’t sit up for at least 6 months or do much of anything for that long because you just underwent major surgery.

Gods it was brutal. On top of all the physical, emotional, energetic, spiritual and mental trauma from the C-Section were these two teeny tiny little humans who were up every half hour to an hour for food and back asleep in about a half hour to an hour.

I lived in 3 hour cycles and sometimes I was able to get a 20 minute nap, but most of the time I wasn’t. I praise and thank God that they were good nappers from the start. And they weren’t colicky at all.

My, now husband, was home for the first 3 weeks, then his mom came to see the girls and stayed for about a week. So I had someone to help me that first bit. People from the Mormon ward I had moved into, even though I hadn’t gone to church once there, came and let me sleep for about 2 hours a couple times a week. Which helped me stay semi-sane.

And I was too exhausted to really acknowledge the trauma, let alone do anything about it. And the girls just needed everything I had left. My poor husband was pretty much left without me those first few weeks.

And he was the only person who could do anything. About all I could do was sort of change a diaper now and then and breastfeed. He did almost everything else.

The trauma came to a head when we were trying to be intimate those first few times. It’s incredible just how much trauma the sacral chakra and reproductive area can hold onto.

I broke down and it wasn’t just exhaustion. I made a point to journal and meditate after that. Not that I was really good at it. I mean there were two babies to look after. I was surviving off of 20 minute to 2 hour naps for those first few months.

After they started sleeping more than 2 hours at night I started to get a little more sleep and I actually had days where I was lucid. And between trying to figure out insurance and bills I managed to really start to heal from the trauma.

Part of my fear was not being allowed that hormonal cocktail that allows moms to bond so solidly with their babies after a vaginal birth. (As long as mom is allowed that skin to skin time immediately after baby comes out).

My fear ended up being unfounded because I was absolutely smitten by my girls. I would look at them and start sobbing with the pain of loving them.

Yes pain. Because that kind of love, the same kind of love I have for my husband, is so deeply ingrained in the heart and soul that it is deeply vulnerable and open when felt to its fullest extent.

And that is part of what I started learning about love for my own little family.

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