Twins and fear

At birth Twin A was 5 lbs and Twin B was 4 lbs. As all babies do, they both lost weight in that first week or two. They were so small.

I have since seen pictures of twins born under 3 lbs and I’m so very grateful our girls made it to the size they did. And that they did not need any NICU time.

However, I had to go through a whole slew of terrifying thoughts that utilized my tendency to get stuck in circular thoughts.

Example: Babies don’t breathe the way adults do. No one told me this. So I’m watching my babies sleep next to me on the futon in the living room, hoping that daddy is still sleeping because he has work. And both of them stop breathing. Then start breathing. I’m an adult. I have sleep apnea which means I stop breathing. This can be life altering or deadly.

Example: I was molested as a baby. I have a huge fear of letting other people be around my babies because I don’t want them to be molested.

Example: Children are often stolen. Babies are often stolen.

Example: We are in a new place, in a quiet area, near a trail that various people take. Someone in my family has been in a similar situation and they got robbed. Thank God their little girl was at grandma’s.

Example: A 10 month old girl was brutally raped and beaten by her step-father who has PTSD.

Example: I die, or my husband dies, or we both die, and leave the girls alone. Or the girls die. Or one girl dies. Or everyone but me dies. etc etc etc.

Examples could go on and on and on. And I wonder how many mom’s actually break down by envisioning a scenario that is not likely to ever happen. Like a man cutting off your baby’s leg in front of you because you don’t know some piece of information they are trying to get from you. And you have to listen to her scream and watch her bleed to death.

And that is tame for my brain. I won’t go into some of the more disturbing things my brain comes up with when it’s exhausted. But it cycles in some of these thoughts and it can take months for me to move past them to the point where I don’t get stuck when the thought comes. Others only take a few minutes to days.

Just depends on the waking terror dream and how potent it is.

And I calm myself partly by telling my babies I will always be there, and deep down I know there are situations where I might be unable to be there for them.

I have had to sit down with myself to see if I have moved back into being fear. Because it sure feels like it sometimes. I’m actually afraid to die right now. You’re probably all like “What? Isn’t everyone afraid of dying?”

Well no. Not everyone. I was suicidal for a long time, and I had little reason to live. As I moved through my healing I started to enjoy life and I thought it would be a bitter sweet thing if I died so soon after learning how to live in joy. But I still wasn’t really afraid to die. I mean sure if reached the point of death, I’d be afraid, but all in all, it wasn’t a driving force like it used to be.

Example: Before my husband and I really got close and before I was pregnant, we’d go driving around through mountains and other very high places. He would pretend he was going to drive off the edge. Now I knew he wasn’t really going to do it, and I had very little reaction outwardly, but inwardly I had very little reaction as well.

Now? He starts to get close to a yellow line on an empty road with a huge shoulder, and inwardly I start babbling about how we’re going to get in a huge accident and the babies are going to die or be left orphans or everyone is going to die but me or, worse, everyone buy my husband. It’s just nuts.

So I sat down and looked to see if I was fear again. And found that I am not fear. I am more love than I have ever been and the fear is born of that love. That deep, painful, incredible, unbearable, lovely Love.


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