I know, I know. Most of us go through a period where our world shatters at some point. The shattering is of varying degrees depending on the person and the situation. Its difficult to explain what this shattering was like for me, but I’ll try.
1) Lie down in a room that is so hot it sears your lungs when you breathe. Now put a heavy beam across your chest. Now try to breathe. It’s not pleasant so you try to breathe as little as possible. And because you’re so worthless anyway, just try to stop breathing.
2) Lie down in a bed of fire ants who are very very angry. The sharp stings as they bite not only burn but keep stinging just as sharp every time they bite.
3) Take three sleeping pills and function normally throughout your day. And I do mean normally.
Imagine for a moment what it would feel like if God abandoned and forsook you.
Imagine that you are too worthless to be bothered with.
Grief, anger, confusion, fear, panic, terror, pain, burning hate, intense desires to die, all bound up in a chaotic whorl.
Ever been around that one person who makes you tired?Those energy vampires? Imagine everyone is an energy vampire.
Ever been around that person who makes you feel raw inside? Imagine everyone makes you feel raw and you are helpless to stop it.
Chaotic attempts to literally go insane thwarted only by sleep or periods of absolute deathly mental stillness.
Ever have that day where so much is going on you can’t think straight? Ever get through that day and just lay there staring at the ceiling too exhausted to even be grateful its over?
Ever have a whole room full of people trying to get your attention and talk to you at once?
Now put all these things together and you have an idea of what it was like for me at this time. If you have tendencies to MPD or schizophreia, then you have an even better idea of what this time was like for me.
I had a deep and abiding understanding that something had to change but felt powerless to do anything. My choices seemed to be
1) Die. Suicide or otherwise. it didn’t matter.
2) Continue as I was.
3) Get help somewhere.
The problem with 1 was I didn’t know anyone who hated me just the right amount to actually kill me. And I had the thought in my head that killing myself wouldn’t solve the problems. Mormon doctrine on after mortal life is actually fairly explicit. You take the same spirit you have here on earth back with you. So dying doesn’t change things and in fact can make things worse because as long as you’re here you can change things. And yes you can change things after death, it just takes a lot longer.
Plus one part of me didn’t want to die, even though another part of me did want to die.
The problem with 2 was I just couldn’t do it anymore. At least if I wanted to keep any of my sanity.
The problem with 3 was that I had seen three counselors already and no one could do anything to help me. I had one tell me to ‘punish’ myself. Well that was stupid. I already was punishing myself. I needed to stop punishing myself. So I didn’t know where go.
So I did attempt suicide. And you have to know that pretty much everyone in my family has tried or wanted to try at some point. But someone said that they chose form of suicide that they knew they could never do to keep themselves from doing it.
I looked the options over and really none of them were 100% likely to work. Drugs- my body would purge itself.
Knife- I have an aversion to physical pain. Probably because its the one area I’ve had relative peace.
Gun- I’d have to make sure I hit the right spot in my brain or heart or it wouldn’t work. Plus I didn’t have a gun, and they’re expensive and I didn’t have the energy to go through the process of getting one.
Noose- No rope. No place to put it.
Cars/trains- I could never make someone else even partially part of my suicide. It was a painfully personal thing for me.
So since that didn’t work, I tried to figure out how I could keep going. I had coping mechanisms. None of them healthy and a couple of them became addictions.
But the thought repulsed me too much. But I didn’t know where to turn to help. At this point my brain would short out and things would go blank again for awhile, or I’d fall asleep.