Where was I?
Ok so I’m in therapy and I’ve effectively isolated myself. And now it seemed like nothing was happening.
My therapist told me I had to give myself permission to take the time to heal. I started saying it to myself as a kind of mantra until I started to feel it was ok that this was taking time and was going to take time.
I also started getting friends talking to me about things like auras, energies, body work, etc. Had some Emotion Code done on me along with some other things I just can’t recall the names for. I learned muscle testing on myself and I kept doing the things I’d done all along.
First thing I had to really work through was the rape. I had read a book called “I Never Called It Rape” before I started at Child Safe and it really brought home to me that I truly had been raped. Group therapy doesn’t really work for me, I’m too introvertive to use the time to talk about anything when others are sharing the time. I would just sit and listen. But the one on one therapy worked well.
My therapist let me stumble around and started to give me a vocabulary to be able to verbalize what was going on inside me. Remember, I used to be silent. I have always had a good vocabulary because I’m also a reader. But having one and using it are two entirely different things.
Its odd how one can be raped and then crave sex. Or it would be if it wasn’t obvious that rape makes one feel like they are worthless unless they are performing sexually. Its been my experience that many people who are considered ‘sluts’ or ‘whores’ whether they’re men or women, have experienced some abuse, most likely sexual, in their life.
Orgasm has that wonderful ability to make your brain go blank for a bit in a way that can feel safe. And let’s face it, I was raised in such a way that it would have been incredible if I hadn’t been raped. The person who raped me was very similar to my abusive father and I reached a point where I was terrified I would be hurt, or worse, if I didn’t let him have sex with me. So I ‘let’ him.
There wasn’t much decision in the process here. I was too afraid to do anything but what was being demanded of me. I was dissociated and living in a PTSD episode. And I was easily controlled. I was also 18.
And in case your wondering, no I didn’t enjoy it. Any of it. I never had an orgasm. I wasn’t even there most of the time. I felt like Celie in “The Color Purple” when she said it feels like he’s going to the toilet on her. My mind was always somewhere else and my body would just go through the motions for me. I would pull myself back if he started to want more interaction and the part of me that knew how to preserve myself would take over. But I was always gone or in deep pain.
So that had to be worked through first. And it wasn’t easy. I always thought that would be the hardest part too. I mean who really wants to deal with being raped? I was sexually assaulted as well at the age of 27 as well. And it was really hard to get past the pain and start healing. I’m not even sure what I did. I just know it started to heal up and then the real pain cropped up.