Let me flesh out the man background a bit. My father molested me about the age of one and continued to abuse me in every non-physical way you can abuse a person for the rest of my childhood, all through my teen years and almost into my thirties. (That’s right, at this time I am 33).
I also grew up with three brothers who, to this day, have some very odd ideas about who I was and am. They are abusive in their own ways.
Then there is society. Society tells me that men are superior. My church is a patriarchy. (Ideally its a combined patriarchy/matriarchy, but let’s be real. Society bends Ideals into the reality it wants no matter what). Men are in charge. Men are entitled. My goal in life is to find a man and make him happy. My other goal in life until I find a man and make him happy, is to make every man in my life happy. Oh and that does continue after I have found a man to make happy.
So men are large and in charge. I am raped at age eighteen for about six months by my ‘boyfriend’ and he thinks we had sex. I am sexually assaulted at twenty-seven. I go through therapy and start to believe I will now be able to find a man who will respect, love, trust and cherish me.
Instead I find a man who is similar to my father, except that he has the added attributes of being sensitive about not having a job because he was a convicted felon and its so hard to find a job as one of those, even though I used to work with them all the time because my boss would hire them. (This was at the embroidery shop I used to work at).
Oh and he’s a sex addict but refuses to admit it. He’d been with over fifty people before me. He used to whine about not having sex. And of course when I got pregnant then miscarried before any physical signs of pregnancy, he refused to believe me.
So I’ve had a pretty rough go with men in this life. And then the past lives showed up. (Yeah I didn’t believe in them either until they slapped me in the face and demanded my attention). In one I was strangled to death, in another raped repeatedly in an asylum type place, and in another, well I don’t have a lot of details but there was a demon and terrifying sexual things involved.
So overall I have a terrible track record with men. I sometimes have PTSD episodes over just being around men.
And now all of a sudden I have this man in my life who thinks of me as family. And funnily enough I love him so completely that my fear doesn’t keep me from wanting to talk to him or see him. This is new territory for me. And frankly, its scary.