Well, I had to start somewhere and it seemed the best place to truly start learning this was to go to the one person I knew loved me. The thing is, I pulled away from people all the time. I never allowed anyone to care about me or love me. I couldn’t trust after the betrayal of being molested at the age of one. So I had all these ways of keeping people at bay. They could never really get close to me.
Yes it created a self-fulfilling cycle in my life. I was always afraid I was going to lose everyone and I always did. What I figured out later, was that I was mostly responsible for it. For even as I got close to people, I was finding ways to protect myself from them. Once they got too close I would start the cycle of making them dislike me. In this way I was able to keep the idea of being a victim and thus keep from taking responsibility for something too difficult to look at.
So I never truly felt anyone cared about me at all. (Remember I didn’t figure out the cycle I was creating until very very recently). So who could I possibly turn to to start to believe I was loved?
God of course. He had told me at various times that he did love me. And I had felt it at times. But, as you know, I didn’t know who he was. So I went to him with everything I thought I knew about him and asked him if it was true. From there I started to learn more about him.
So by the time I got around to deciding loving myself was essential to being able to love others, I had a pretty good rapport with him. This allowed me to come to him with some pretty heavy stuff. And this whole loving myself thing was a doozy.
We started off with him telling me to be still and know that he is God. Well that took awhile. Even with the meditation practices I had already, it was difficult to quiet my mind and focus on him. Meditating on God was really just hard for me. It meant I had to really let go of everything and allow for just being in his presence. Something I was terrified of doing.
I mean I was an unworthy piece of shit. I am not allowed to be in the presence of my creator and my God. That’s blaspheme right? Nevertheless that is what he was asking of me. And I had done so much for him already I figured I ought to be able to do this as well. He had always made it possible for me to do what he asked of me so I knew he’d help me with this.
Still it took some doing. I asked him to help me feel what it was like to be still and know that he is. How was I supposed to know? I’d never felt it before. And as always he gave me a sample and then let me figure out how to come to that space in my own way. And after a few months, I started to get it.
Oh it was wonderful to just bask in his presence. The peace, the contentment, the joy. I would just sit there with tears streaming down my face and I would just be in his presence. At first that was all I could do. I was just so grateful that he didn’t kick me out or decide I wasn’t worthy or whatever I had feared. It was lovely.