I had cussed God out liberally, for hours at a time, multiple times a day, for about four months in a row. It was a step in the process I had to go through. Because I was too terrified to place the blame back where it belonged. I knew I had to stop taking the blame for everything like I used to. How could it possibly be my fault? I was a child at the time, and I hadn’t grown past that point. So I had to put the blame elsewhere, but putting it where it belonged was way too scary.

So I put it on God. And he bore it patiently. In fact I realized later that he would just sit on my bed and wait for me to tire myself out. I would curl up in bed and immediately feel enclosed in his arms. He was holding me as I cried myself to sleep. This realization made me realize something else. Everything I thought I knew about him was a lie. I stopped cussing him out and started telling him I didn’t know who he was and asking if he’d please tell me. I held him accountable for every word he’s said. I started to shift the blame from him to those who were actually responsible.

And in the process he started to teach me about himself. Who he was and how much he loved me. And I was blown away again, like I had been that day in Institute class. I started relying on him more and more. And the more I relied on him the more I learned about him, the deeper our relationship became.

I had been attempting to meditate at various points, not understanding that I was meditating all the time. (I had the ridiculous idea that meditation looks like someone sitting in stillness and having a blank mind that is prevalent in our society. In actuality there are many ways to meditate, and I was meditating. A lot). I decided to take one scripture to heart. Be still and know that I am God.

I hadn’t been still this whole time. There was never a point in my life where I had ever been still. I didn’t even know what being still meant. So I asked God to help me to be still in him. And like everything else I had asked him for in this process, he answered. And it was in this process of learning to be still that I started learning about love.

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