Friend

Friend

So you are almost caught up to where I am now. I mean I could go on and on about my past, but frankly, I really don’t care to. Most of the past is old and doesn’t affect me as strongly as it used to. This is mostly due to my friend.

Society states that an adult male and an adult female will be unable to create a deep and lasting friendship. It’ll end up with romance involved at some point and that will ruin everything.

Well, as you already know, the romance bit already happened with my friend. And it didn’t ruin everything. In fact the more we became good friends and learned to rely on each other and support each other, the less a romance seemed practical or even ideal.

Now it’s been about a year since we really started hanging out, and less than that since we decided to be just friends. And it has been a really rough time for me. Why? When I have such a good friend?

Easy. PTSD. I have so many triggers, my triggers have triggers. And I’m not just being clever or funny. I could be triggered by one thing and then a whole chain of triggers would ignite and send me spiraling.

And my friend triggered me. A lot. Because I have so many triggers that deal with men and he is a man. He could say something or do something that seemed totally innocuous and I would end up at home freaking out. He still doesn’t really know just how often he triggered things for me.

Now you might be wondering. Why on earth do I stick around him if he triggers me all the time?

Because he is safe. The first man I have ever known who is completely and utterly safe. I can trust him, respect him, love him and receive all these things from him as well.

I know it seems paradoxical. But he only triggers old things. He has never once created a new trigger. Every man to date has created at least one minor trigger. My dear friend never has.

The other main reason. I wanted the triggers. The annoying part about having triggers is that I never knew what was going to be a trigger. If I could get triggered then I would then know what the trigger was. Once I knew what the trigger was I could then work with it and heal it and it would no longer trigger me.

And all of this leads right back to learning to love.

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