I still refused to integrate them into a whole. I was unsure how to go about this. I started studying emotions. Emotional intelligence was an interesting read, which I still haven’t finished. The Spirit Anatomy of Emotions is another interesting read I have yet to finish. I attempted to read Feelings Buried Alive Never Die, but couldn’t stand her way of making words and phrases stand out. I read most of The Reconnection, I read The Celestine Prophecy, I just read really.
I kept going to Church through this whole process, though it would look more like I was inactive. I would show up for about ten minutes at any given point in the three hour meeting block that Mormons attend each week. I stayed away from people as much as possible. I stopped going to school. I worked and the only reason that was ok was because my boss was amazing and one person I could turn to. I even avoided my roommates as much as possible.
I mixed and matched various types of coping all together just to make it through one more day. I started using a coping mechanism I never thought I’d use. I started cutting. The addiction just wasn’t doing enough anymore.
And all of these things were just layers for the very core piece that I had to uncover. It was like an onion. Once I’d peeled one layer and got it sort of under control, the next layer would present itself and demand attention. The very last piece, the core of that onion, was the thing I never wanted to see. It was the thing that came the closest to actually killing me.
I uncovered the truth about my parents love. The didn’t love me, and they never had.
I know. I know. Every parent loves their child in some way shape or form. But really, some parents don’t know how to love and so they try but they just prove that they don’t love their child. That’s why so many parents leave. They believe the child will be better off. The child just ends up wondering why the parent didn’t love them enough to stay. Why they were abandoned.
And I wondered now why my parents didn’t love me. And I had to feel the depths of that pain. They didn’t respect or trust me. And for me love includes respect and trust. Without respect and trust, there is no actual or real love. It’s twisted and wrong love. And I had to realize that even then, their love for me was an attempt to heal themselves. They were broken and selfish to the core. I never mattered to them.
I thought my world had shattered before. Now I didn’t even have a world. You know at the end of the movie the Neverending Story how the world is just gone? The only thing left was one grain of sand? That’s all I had left, though I didn’t know it. I had one grain of sand and that is what saved me. For I had God.