Heart II

Heart II Posted on April 30, 2014by ajoval I got a packet from a book called “Growing up Again” by Jean Illsley Clarke from my therapist and I started implementing some of what was on there. I found an infant self and started to fulfill some of her needs. It was difficult to learn how to be Read More…

Heart

Heart Posted on April 29, 2014by ajoval What did healing look like? I had no idea. My therapist would talk to me, but how on earth do you translate that into action? No one ever gave me step by step. They just said, here do this and it’ll all get better. But how to do it, they Read More…

Abuse II

Abuse II Posted on April 29, 2014by ajoval My mother’s abuse was more difficult for me to pinpoint. She used what I call “manipulation with love”. She would make me feel like her only friend in the situation and then ask me to protect her or save her or whatever. I often felt like the parent. It Read More…

Abuse

Abuse Posted on April 25, 2014by ajoval So now I had to deal with the abuse. The obvious stuff was from my father. Especially since he told me he wanted me to feel bad. I had so many moments where I was full of fear around him. He used to stand outside the door when he got Read More…

Rape

Rape Posted on April 24, 2014by ajoval Where was I? Ok so I’m in therapy and I’ve effectively isolated myself. And now it seemed like nothing was happening. My therapist told me I had to give myself permission to take the time to heal. I started saying it to myself as a kind of mantra until I Read More…

Hints

Hints Posted on April 23, 2014by ajoval I realize now that I actually started long ago. The day my father’s words woke me up to the reality of the situation I was living in. I also had a few moments here and there that were key to my being able to avoid suicide. Being LDS means I Read More…

Starting

Starting Posted on April 22, 2014by ajoval I used to despair of ever finding a listener as good as me. Someone I could talk to for a change. Not that I knew how to talk at this point. Writing became my medium for expression. So isolation became my life and I would swing through bouts of horrible Read More…

Isolation

Isolation Posted on April 22, 2014by ajoval So I know I mentioned that I learned to isolate myself at a very young age.  Reading “The Path to Love” by Deepak Chopra helped me understand some of this. “The worst imprint you can have from childhood is that your models for love were also models of betrayal. This Read More…

Shattered II

Shattered II Posted on April 15, 2014by ajoval I know, I know. Most of us go through a period where our world shatters at some point. The shattering is of varying degrees depending on the person and the situation. Its difficult to explain what this shattering was like for me, but I’ll try. Physically: 1) Lie down Read More…

Shattered

Shattered Posted on April 15, 2014by ajoval So you now have enough background for me to start writing about my journey. This is where I have most of my memories. So I may be able to give you ages and more than just a, well I was verbally abused, but I couldn’t tell you anything that was Read More…